I’m writing this post because of how much I learned about what matters in marriage through the process of letting myself fall in love with my husband, and how long it took me to learn it. I’m hoping to spare some women some of the trouble I went through. Although God spared me from the trouble of an unhappy marriage — and I’m truly grateful for his mercy in that! — I did put off marrying my husband for seven years because I wasn’t entirely convinced about him the first time he pursued me… or even that time we met up a few years later. No, it took me a good long while to figure out that the things I thought were issues actually weren’t, and the good qualities I noticed were total gems that are hard to find. I am so relieved I finally realized that so we could restart a relationship and have a happy marriage! I could probably do a whole series on this topic of what matters and what doesn’t, but here I’ll zero in on just one quality.

Dear single women: the height of your husband will not make or break your happiness or attraction to him in marriage. I say this as a woman who always imagined myself with a taller man. I’m not of that rare breed of woman who simply never cared about height. In high school a couple of my friends asked me if I’d ever marry someone shorter than me. I said, “If it’s God’s will, I will.” I didn’t want to rule out what God’s will for me might be, but I didn’t think it likely I’d be marrying a shorter guy. “Taller than me” was on my list. After my first relationship and breakup with my now husband, I still wasn’t convinced that his shorter height didn’t bother me. But I’m telling you now as his wife, it doesn’t bother me. I am very attracted to him.

When did that change? At some point well before we got married. It was a process for me, and if you’re a single woman wanting to marry then it might be a process you undergo too — if you allow yourself. It’s a natural and normal statistical reality across cultures that women tend to choose men who are taller than them. Well okay, there’s this one people group in Tanzania called the Datoga in which men and women mainly just don’t want to marry someone who is close to their own height: women can be taller, and men shorter, or vise versa, just not the same height. But even this study admits the trend: “Many studies in Western societies have shown that women prefer relatively taller men as potential partners, whereas men prefer women who are slightly shorter than themselves.” Given the trend, overcoming that inclination might be a process. I suggest opening yourself up to that process. (Adam’s mom was taller than his dad, and it seems he never developed the corresponding concern many men have regarding height.)

Height is a consistent factor many people look for, but it truly doesn’t matter as much as our instinctual feelings tell us it does. I wondered to myself if a man’s shorter height would affect attraction in our marriage. But it doesn’t. At the end of the day, the most important thing in my attraction to my husband is that I trust him. He’s manly in his godly character. He is a great provider, he lives his life in light of the belief that he will give an account of his life to God one day, he seeks to love me like he sees God loving His people in the Bible, he loves and knows the Bible well, and he cares for the concerns of my heart attentively. He has plenty of manly skills and abilities that impress me. And physically, he has pretty eyes and a muscular build from his years in the military. I truly look up to my husband and find him handsome, and his shorter height doesn’t prevent that.

So what helped my process along of getting over the height issue? I’m going to be vulnerable here, and it might seem silly at parts, but here was my process.

Here’s What Helped Me

First, I respected Adam’s character and I considered the reality that God might be leading us back together.

Second, I looked up examples of couples online with taller wives, and read what people had to say about it. I wanted reassurance from women who had shorter husbands. One couple in particular helped me: The Herberts. Josh and Abbie Herberts make videos about their “short king”/”tall queen” marriage, and they are really cute.

Look up their #shortking content as needed. It’s hilarious, and it will help reassure that part of you that wonders if you can be happy with a short king.

Third, I realized height only matters when kissing if I’m standing up. I know it’s silly but it’s true: it occurred to me that if I was sitting in a chair and he leaned down to kiss me, I would have to look up to kiss him, and just thinking of that resolved a lot for me. I knew Adam would do whatever to romance me and we would figure it out. And besides sitting down, when you’re married there’s also lying down… 😉 Lots of ways to get around height. But in reality, it’s not some kind of huge turn off that I have to bend my knees or waist or neck to kiss standing up. That’s just what kissing my amazing husband involves for me. While the thought was initially a mental hurdle when I was considering starting our relationship back up, I don’t think about it anymore. Imagine if I never opened myself back up to the possibility of him pursuing me! How sad that would be, because I am so happy now!

Fourth, Adam’s character really did all the hard work. Well, as I said, his manly attributes and his good looks also helped. Adam’s qualities are what keep me falling in love with him every day. I just had to open myself up to the possibility of accepting him. If a winner is pursuing you and you realize that reality for what it is, you’ll fall in love with him. Then that seemingly unsurmountable mountain in your mind of “I just don’t know if I could be attracted to a short guy” will be the puny anthill is truly is. You’ll just step over it and move on to your happy marriage!

Put “godly character” at the top of your list.

You should be looking for a husband who is honest, trustworthy, gentle, generous, caring, and intentional about pursuing you and making you his own. There’s more I could say for sure on what to look for and what to avoid (and what not to avoid!), but I’ve said enough for one post, so I’ll leave those thoughts for part two.